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Shrek-tastic MST
Back in business with a Shrek fanfic. A Shrek fanfic that doesn't have the ogre in it. Enjoy!

A Small Crime

LJ: Against God.

A/N: Some of the story is loosely based on a British comedy series called 'Mulberry'. It really doesn't matter if you've seen it or not to enjoy reading this story

Caroline: Wasn't that show about Death claiming an old woman?

LJ: *shrug*

"Wor-cest-er-sh-shiree? Now that sounds fancy." said Donkey, looking at the large sign above the Academy's drawbridge.

Caroline: Was that line in the movie? I really liked the third one, but I was pretty drunk, so my memory is a little fuzzy.

"It's Worcestershire, Donkey." said the girl standing beside him. Puss was sitting on her shoulder.

LJ: Damn, two sentences in and she already replaced the titular character? That's gotta be a record.

Caroline: Not by a long shot.

"What? Like the sauce? Mmm...It's spicy!" said Donkey, licking his lips.

LJ: I'm suddenly unbelievably skeeved out. What's cute on screen can be really creepy in type.

Suddenly, the drawbridge lowered down, opening the entrance.

Caroline: -to the active volcano.

"Oh, they must be expecting us."

Caroline: IN HELL.

The girl beside him rolled her eyes. If they were expecting Donkey, they would have probably raised the drawbridge and locked it as quickly as possible. she thought, smiling to herself.

LJ: Hah, she's so adorably abusive to her traveling companions!

Caroline: Are we going to find out why she replaced Shrek?

The trio quickly walked past the drawbridge and made their way towards the Headmaster's office before anyone could spot them.

LJ: I think somebody already spotted them if someone put down the drawbridge for them.

* * *

There was a knock on the Headmaster's door.

Caroline: It was that damn raven again.

The Headmaster got up from his office chair and opened the door. There standing in front of him was a cat in boots, a donkey, and a little girl. The girl looked about sixteen and had short black hair that stook out in places.

LJ: Hah! Stook!

Caroline: Sure, she says little now, but come seducing time she'll have to whip out the BIG guns.

She wore a grayish-black shirt, with black pants, and a gray cap that gave her a tomboyish look. She also had a brown leather belt, boots, and fingerless gloves.

LJ: So, she's a Newsie. Interesting choice.

Caroline: The cat and the donkey had to share a sentence, but her, she gets a whole paragraph.

The Headmaster shuddered at her appearance, the girl had paleish skin and looked like a pauper.

LJ: Could be worse. She could be 'goffick'.

But the most strange thing about her appearance was her eyes. They had bright golden-yellow irises.

Caroline: WITCH! Burn her!

"Hello, I'd like to join your Academy and become a student." she said.

"Um, your name please, can I have your name?" asked the Headmaster, still a little bit flustered from the girl's appearance.

Caroline: Oh sweet underpants, a PEASANT! I can handle the wizards and the dragons and the ogres, but a peasant? I'm in a tizzy!

"It's Kit." replied Kit.

"What? Kit-something, or something-Kit?"

"Just Kit."

LJ: I'm like Madonna. *Poses*

"Alright, sit down and I'll ask you a few questions."

Caroline: Are you a Sue? Yes? Alright then. Are you flammable?

Kit sat down, while Puss and Donkey stood behind her chair.

LJ: Because they're her bitches.

"Firstly, do you have any educational qualifications?"

Kit chuckled smuggly.

LJ: "smuggly"?

Caroline: Almost bought one of those once. I thought it might be nice to watch TV in.

LJ: "smuggly"?


"Uh, no I don't." she answered.

Caroline: Then why so smug?

LJ: ...smuggly...

"Do you know any alchemy?"


LJ: Horrible crossover, averted!

"Can you do magic?"


Caroline: But I can make your inhibitions disappear!

"Can you joust?"


LJ: Can you breathe?

Caroline: Urk, no... *chokes*

"Do you know how to play chess?"

"Well... no."

Caroline: We get it! She's a useless load!

He sighed. "The answer to this question is probably very obvious, but do you have any references of any kind!?"

"... ... ... No."

LJ: Ooh, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to book you for ellipsis abuse.

Caroline: Looks like I need to get my punishment mallet.

The Headmaster frowned, how could he let this girl -who looked liked she had been raised by wolves- become a student in his Academy? She was definitely not a noble, and she looked more like a troublemaker than a student who wanted to learn.

LJ: Yeah, she might start selling newspapers!

"Well, I'm afraid that the school term has already started, so maybe you could do some studying and come back next year at the beginning of the term." he said, trying to get rid her.

Caroline: Try Axe. Despite what the ads might tell you, it tends to repel women.

"Oh, right," said Kit quickly, realizing that she just remembered something very important, "One of my -um- relatives thought that it might be hard for me to get into this school, so she gave me this to pay for it."

LJ: *crosses fingers* Keep your clothes on, keep your clothes on...

Kit reached into one of her pockets and pulled out a large bag of gold. She placed it on the Headmaster's desk and several gold coins spilled out of it. The Headmaster gasped, he had never seen so much gold before.

LJ (dryly): Gosh. He runs a school that characters to royalty and he hasn't seen a few gold coins. Frightening.

Caroline: Royalty with money is like a woman with mace. They'll only whip it out if they're being threatened.

"Can I join you Academy now?" Kit asked.

Caroline: Me want to talk good soon!

The Headmaster nodded, accepting the bribe. "Um, this is indeed very generous of you, miss. You can stay in room 27 in the girl's side of the dormitory."

Caroline (as Headmaster): It's right by the boys' side, if you get what I'm saying.

He suddenly looked back at Puss and Donkey. "Are these... animals going to accompany you?"

LJ: Nope, take 'em down to the kitchen!

"Yes, they have to stay with me...unless you want me to take my money elsewhere..."

Caroline: Not the shinies!

The Headmaster sighed "Alright. And I'll also get you an Academy uniform."

Caroline: And, generic rebellion in three, two...

"Thanks, but I'll refuse the uniform. I doubt that I'll be staying here long." said Kit, leaving the office with Puss and Donkey.

LJ: Well, duh. You're such a #$%^ing individual.

Caroline: That was pretty light fare, Sue-age wise.

LJ: Figured we could ease back in.


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