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Shrek MSTs Fourth...
terrofen


It was now the next mourning.

Caroline: Someone died? Awesome!

Arthur picked up his lunch tray and stood by the line-up in the Academy's cafeteria.

Caroline: Is he going to identify a mugger or something? Two sentences, two errors. Is she going to go for a hat trick?

After he got to the front of the line he ordered his meal and was then given it.

LJ: Then he inhaled. Then he exhaled. Then the story collapsed under the weight of all these unnecessary details.

Arthur looked around for Kit, who had said yesterday to meet her there for lunch. Suddenly, Arthur saw a vision: It was Guinevere, the most popular girl in school.

LJ: And now he's psychic.

Arthur watched her walk up to the cafeteria line-up, almost moving in slow motion like a fantasy, until-

Caroline:-the alien finished eating her innards and burst from her chest, mauling Arthur and performing a short dance number.

"Oh, hey Artie." she said, standing in front of him.

Artie snapped out of his daydreaming. "Huh-wha?"

LJ: That may have been the lamest day-dream ever.

"Guinevere, we're in the same alchemy class?"

Caroline: Who said that?

"Umm... uh..."

LJ: I think that's Guinevere speaking.

"Whatever. Okay, I'll see you around then, maybe." she said, turning around and leaving the cafeteria. Arthur was sure he heard her say Oh, boy. What a loser. to herself as she left.

Caroline: Okay Alex, I'll take "Things People Would Never Say Outside of Terrible Fanfic for 100".

Arthur had lost his big chance to talk to her. Again. His dream was to be able to ask her out but he knew what she would say. Besides, she was already Lancelot's girlfriend.

LJ: Ow. The part of my brain that has everything I know about Arthurian legend is hurting. I know that Shrek the Third screwed with it already, but damn!

Arthur suddenly remembered who he was searching for and continued to look for Kit. Then Arthur realised something. You idiot!

Caroline: For once, I agree.

She probably just told you to wait for her here as a joke. Even the new kids know you're a loser. Arthur was alone, he decided to eat his lunch at his usual spot in the corner. He looked down at his feet, feeling very dumb for actually believing Kit.

LJ: That would be a terrible joke.

Caroline: Ha, I made him wait a few minutes! LOSER!

But why did she help me, then? he thought. She must have heard about me from one of the other students afterwards.

LJ: What did she hear about you, exactly?

Arthur, not paying attention to where he was going, bumped into someone. He looked up.

Caroline: It was me. I had arrived to kill him and put him out of his misery.

It was Lancelot and two of his jousting friends.

"If I were Guinevere, I'd get a dork restraining order." he said, grinning.

LJ: Did you know that Lancelot was voiced by Jim, from the US version of The Office?

Caroline: No. What does that have to do with anything?

LJ: Thought it was more interesting than the story.

"Oh... hey Lance." said Arthur, trying not to take any notice. He turned around to try and avoid them, but one of Lancelot's friend's was already blocking his exit. He snatched Arthur's lunch tray away.

Caroline: One of Lancelot's friend's WHAT was blocking his exit? C'mon, next to there/their, the apostrophe is one of the easiest mistakes to avoid.

"Where are YOU going, wyrm?"

LJ: Yeah, stand here and let me call you other badass mythical creatures.

"Actually, he's coming with me." said a familiar voice.

Caroline: Shrek?

Arthur looked up. Lancelot turned around to look behind him. Kit was standing there.

LJ: DUN DUN DUN.

Kit looked at Arthur, the expression on his face said everything. Look, I don't really need your help again. You'll just get into trouble anyway.

LJ: I'm having a hard time imagining what facial expression says all of that. Usually facial expressions just show broad emotions, like happy or, in this case, bored.

But Kit was there to stay.

Caroline: Even though nobody wanted her there.

Lancelot decided that this wasn't worth his time. "Oh, take him, he belongs with the rest of those circus freaks."

LJ: I wouldn't say anything, considering who you work with, Jim.

From the other end of the cafeteria, Puss -who was enjoying the attention of some of the Academy girls- heard this and leaped to his feet.

"Pardon me ladies, but the duty, she calls. I shall return." said Puss, romantically.

Caroline: Creepy. In character, but creepy.

Puss jumped onto a long table and started running across it. On his way he grabbed a silver ladle from a gravy bowl, and then somersaulted into the air, latching his ladle on a chandelier. He spun around it several times (and by now half of the Academy had seen him) until he un-latched himself from it, landing on a tray full of dishes. Puss slid on one of them and table-surfed his way across the hall (by now the entire Academy had seen him). He grabbed a student's fork and used it to spear a leg of mutton from an unsuspecting student, somersaulted into the air once again... and jammed the leg of mutton right into Lancelot's mouth.

LJ: UGH.

Caroline: Action scenes need to be written differently than they happen on screen. They don't translate well.

LJ: I don't actually remember this scene from the movie.

Caroline: Wow, an attempt at originality. Too bad it sucks.

All of the students watching cheered and laughed.

Caroline: Why? Lancelot is popular! Hell, he was leaving the two of them alone!

"Ha! Who are the freaks of the circus now?" yelled Puss.

LJ: Us, for reading this crap.

Donkey, who was stuffing his face full of lettuce from the salad bar looked up. "Yeah! Munch, munch. Who are the freaks NOW?" he yelled, his mouth filled with lettuce.

LJ: Unsanitary.

Lancelot pulled the leg of mutton out of his mouth and turned to look at his two friends, but they were already running out the door in fear. Lancelot, realising his defeat, followed them without a word.

Caroline: He's a small cat. You are a warrior in training. Sure, Puss has kicked ass, but you wouldn't know it outside of that weird acrobat display.

Kit and Arthur smiled at Puss. "That was brilliant!" said Kit.

"That was awesome!" said Arthur.

LJ: That was stupid.

"So, Arthur..." began Kit.

"Please, call me Artie." he said.

"Artie. What do you know about-"

Caroline: "- the big wide world of sex?"

Suddenly, the P.A. turned on.

LJ: The infamous medieval P.A.

"Would Miss Kit please come to the Headmaster's office. Your suitcase has arrived to be picked up."

LJ: Wow, that's totally P.A.-worthy news.

"Oh, I'd better go then," said Kit, quickly turning away to leave. "I'll see you later though."

"Okay, bye." said Artie.

* * *

Kit entered the Headmaster's office. Her suitcase rested on the desk.

Caroline: Her sex toys had arrived at last.

"Here is your suitcase," said the Headmaster, "There's just one strange thing though."

"What is it?"

LJ: It's ticking.

Caroline: BOOM.

"I didn't see the person who left it here... I didn't hear a cart or anything."

"Oh there's a reason for that... I have it sent by the Ninja Delivery Service. They're totally silent." joked Kit.

LJ: Ha. Ha.

The Headmaster decided to not press on. "Alright, well here it is." he said, handing the case to her.


* * *

Kit left the office and decided to eat her late lunch in the cafeteria hall. It was empty because everyone had already left for their classes, and Puss and Donkey must have left to sleep in the dormitories again.

LJ: Uh oh. She's alone. This can't be good.

The lunch-lady server was still there, so Kit ordered a small cheese sandwich and refused the leg of mutton that came with it. She carried her tray to an isolated spot, placed her suitcase beside herself, and began eating quietly.

Caroline: Ooh, look at me, I'm too good for this time period's traditional food.

"You can't even bring yourself to eat meat, can you?"

LJ: Is it? Could it be?

Kit suddenly looked up and saw the young woman with bright orange cat-like eyes.

Both: Yay! Scary's back!

"Oh, it's you," said Kit, "By the way, thanks for getting my suitcase, I guess I must have forgotten it when I left to join the school."


The Stranger frowned at Kit. "What are you going to do next?"

Caroline: *waggles eyebrows*

LJ: Oh, but I'm the pervert.

"I... I think I'm going to convince Artie to go to the school's yearly tournament. I hear that it's a school tradition for all of the students to go." replied Kit.

Caroline: It was traditional for boys to ask out girls at my school, but it didn't stop me from asking out Jessica DeMartino.

"I didn't put you in this Academy to keep up traditions," she said annoyed, almost spitting the last word out, "I put you in this Academy to-"

LJ: INTERRUPTION BECAUSE AUTHOR DIDN'T THINK THIS FAR AHEAD!

"Oh, do we have to talk about that now?" interrupted Kit.

LJ: Called it.

The Stranger paused. "... Just don't take too long, that's all." she said, getting up and leaving Kit.

Caroline: Don't go! Sadness!

* * *

After the Stranger left, Kit also got up and dragged her suitcase up to her dormitory room. She dropped it on her bed beside Puss and Donkey (making sure not to wake them up).

LJ: Ew. Eeeeew.

Caroline: Won't be the only males she sleeps with.

She opened the suitcase and rummaged through it. It had a few extra pairs of her grayish-black shirt and shorts, nothing fancy. Then Kit found something hidden on the bottom of the case. Under of the pile of clothes was a loaded crossbow... its arrows sharpened to a deadly point.

LJ: Once more. Dun dun whatever...

A/N: This chapter was based on a deleted scene in Shrek the Third called 'Hot Lunch'.

Caroline: Guess we gave her too much credit.

LJ: They delete scenes for a reason.


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